life moves along

I'm 13 weeks pregnant and feeling like myself again. Oh the joy of nausea free days. I'm always amazed at how much I take good health for granted. I'm so excited to be able to eat without thinking through each bite, to be able to actually DO things without dragging myself around like a dead cat. I'm not sure that simile actually works, or maybe it's just entirely too accurate.

I heard the baby's heartbeat galloping along at about 160 bpm this week -- which was like music. I hadn't realized how much I had been awaiting that sound until I realized like it was the first time that there actually is a 3 inch child in there, fully formed and fully alive.

Jakob and I are enjoying these beautiful late spring days with the windows wide open and time outside. I don't envy you people who must go to work and sit in offices. I put sunscreen on Jakob for the first time yesterday when we went outside and he smelled like summer the rest of the day. I'm so looking forward to this summer with him. He gets to discover beaches, splashing in little pools, sand, long days and nights spent outside, and Kev and I get to discover it all over again with him.


Kev turned 24 this week -- all of a sudden we're well into our twenties and life is speeding up. Crazy. We went out for dinner to Paradiso's -- a Mediterranean restaurant downtown Burlington. We had lots of wonderful food and then walked it all off by the bay. Kev remarked that this was his favourite birthday that he could remember, but since he doesn't have memories of any other birthdays I didn't get overly excited. But in all seriousness, it was an absolutely fantastic night. I love dates that end up with you both in the same place at the end of the night.

Anyhow, Jakob has shut the door to his room and is quietly playing. This could be great news or mean that something of great proportions is taking place. I really should investigate.

Enjoy your weekend in the sun.

thoughts in grey

It's hard to not be gloomy today. It's a grey and wet Monday morning, Jakob has a runny nose, is overtired and cranky and I am feeling the fatigue and nausea that have plagued me the last month or so. I know that pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time, but it hasn't been that joyful yet. The thought of another child doesn't seem real yet, and when I do think about it, through my haze of exhaustion, it brings a wee bit of terror to my heart to consider dealing with two children at once!

There I've said it. I've been scared to admit to that fact, feeling guilty everyone around me seems much more thrilled than I am.

Don't get me wrong - Kev and I wanted to have another child. We love being parents and the thought of a larger family is a good one in concept. We are amazed at the miracle of creation that God does inside me. But I'm realizing that even when God answers your prayers it's not always the fade away into the happily ever after. Pregnancy hormones are a crazy roller coaster that cause all sort of a havoc in a previously "normal" woman. Life is sometimes made up of those movie moments, but lately for me it seems more like a replay of times I'd rather forget.

And I think it's high time I stopped putting on a facade of joy only to feel worse inside. I know that God is good and I'm able to rejoice for what He's done both large and small scale in my life. But that doesn't mean that rough days are not rough and that the gap between what I want to feel and what I do feel is any less wide. Maybe it's time to let honesty reign - even if that means you see me filled with grey.

speak for the speechless

Usually when I think of Proverbs 31 it's all about that amazing woman who apparently never slept and managed to do everything while her husband just sat in the gate. Just kidding ...

Anyways, I was reading it this morning and realized that the verse preceding the discourse on the wise woman was amazing, especially in light of what I did last night.

"Open your mouth for the speechless,
In the cause of all who are appointed to die."
Proverbs 31:8

Last night, and a week previous I stood vigil in Toronto across from the "Woman's Care Clinic" aka a child death/abortion clinic. It was part of the 40 Days for Life campaign - something you should take part in if you can.

Being there last night I felt so helpless/inadequate. The numbers of children killed are hugely devastating, and people are so blinded to the truth of life that it seems sometime that doing something isn't making any difference. I know that there is a difference being made -- close to 300 children have been saved from abortion that we know about through the campaign (all over N.A.), but sometimes it seems so futile when it's freezing cold and people are giving you the finger and repeatedly angrily yelling.

Anyways, back to the verse. God calls all of us to stand up and speak for the speechless ... those whose parents are planning on killing them, those who are "appointed to die". No matter what the result, it's our job to stand up and speak. And that was tres encouraging for me. It's easy to justify our own frustrations with the lack of change with apathy. It's not "cool" to stand up, it's not convenient, easy or tidy. But if we're not speaking for them, who will? And I can guarantee that Christ will not care about our reasons for putting ourselves or our comfort before those voiceless children when we stand before Him and give account of our lives.

true humanity

I was thinking the other day how sad it is for people who don't know Christ. I mean, in a general sense, of course it's sad and tragic. But one of the out workings of not being a Christian means that you'll never get to experience what it's like to be truly human. Humanity as it is now is broken and fallen and never perfect ... but that's not what humanity was designed to be. One day, we'll get to experience true humanity as perfect, sinless beings in complete fellowship with God in a new world without sin. That is going to be amazing!

treasuring

I enjoy these moments so much -- the ones where Jakob is peacefully cuddling his "blankie" in bed, oblivious to the world, and where I sit down with a hot beverage. I know that I won't always have this privilege, so I'm treasuring the moments when I get them!

Since Kev has gotten back from Switzerland, I've been thinking more about how much I treasure him too ... 4 days away doesn't seem that long in retrospect, but it was enough time to realize that I take him for granted (already, after only 3 years!!). Someone at church last night told me that they see Kev and I have such a loving marriage ... and it made me remember again that we are utterly and completely blessed by God. To sum up, Kev, if you're reading this -- I love you like crazy.

The rest of you can now choke back the gagging and move on with your days. :)