I look at the big waterfall while driving up and down Hamilton Mountain every day. I am dying to spend an hour taking pictures there. I always get a relaxed tight feeling that gives me goosebumps when I take the turn to go up the mountain and things are perfect. The music is soothing my soul, the light is playing games with colour, the wind is teasing my hair, I'm enjoying the curve of the road under my hands. I always feel like I can take on the world in that moment. And I do.
Today I realized my blog has been a lot of emotion lately. I never want too much of something on my blog, be it emotion, intellectualism, ventage, spiritualism, or boyfriendism. I would rather it not be about me - but I've yet to accomplish that, I can't separate myself from this online book of thoughts. I can't take myself out of the world, out of God, out of life. It's not about me, but it's in me.
I've decided this world is too small for me. I'm dying for something more beautiful, more satisfying, more challenging. I want to get out of here, I want God to show me his original, I'm tired of this marred reprint.
I've decided this world is too big for me. I can't handle the pressure, I haven't explored near as much as I want to, I can't be all it offers, my bed is a safe haven - let me put comfort in a box and stay there.
I've decided I'm not sure yet what I want, and I like it.
I want a guitar screaming in my ear while I sing like a rockstar wearin' my new "gangsta hat". But I want to wear white and lay on a beach at sunset while listening to you ramble. I want to wear a suit and high heels, and carry a briefcase with paperclips holding papers for me to sort. I want to be a mom that makes dipped strawberries with her kids and feeds them to her husband later. I want to have a bedroom that has a window that lets the sun wake me up smiling in the morning. I want to be a concert pianist. I want to write a book about something I know nothing about and wear funky clothes and have a cool sense of humour. I want to have regular intellectual conversations and on the other days talk about boys. I want to reflect Christ in all these things and more.
Ever feel like life is going to burst at the seams inside of you, even when you can't breathe from pain?
I have so much to write, so much to say - but I'm just going to dance by myself in this room because the words won't be typed and my vocal cords are closed with pleasure.