Most of you reading this will know that I struggle with depression, downtimes, sadness, seasonal crap disorder... whatever you want to call it. Don't get me wrong, you also know that I can be a quite outgoing, crazy, and upbeat person. I am. But I wasn't made to walk the line of life with no mountains or valleys, and I have to accept that. There are blessings to it - and definitely days where I wish I didn't know the curves of emotion so intimately.
I've come to a couple of conclusions recently - some blinding flashes in the night, and some slow realizations after contemplation.
The biggest one is that I'm not satisfied. I like the term satisfied over 'content' because satisfied to me seems to bring images to mind of deep joy and peace with where you are in life, what you have, and where you are going.
It seems almost heretical to say that as a Christian I'm not satisfied. I mean, aren't we supposed to have it all? We know what true life is now and forever, what more do we want? In a way it makes it worse because I do know, but I can't feel it. It's not a present reality - it's a concept that I'm searching for. I know that true satisfaction will come ultimately one day, when this world passes away and I stand face to face before God, but I truly believe that satisfaction can be mine while I'm waiting for that day.
And so my goal, my search for peace and answers has right now been boiled down to a biblical search for what satisfaction is, what it isn't, how it's attainable and how to live that in my life. I've chosen to "blog my search" not because it's something I necessarily want to share all the time, but I think it might encourage others of you too..
As much as I can, I'll try and choose a verse of scripture about satisfaction and post it and my thoughts on it. And I'd love if you guys could give me your own thoughts, about what I've written, but more importantly about what you have learned from the verse.
And with that introduction the first verse I stumbled upon was Psalm 17:15.
"As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness; I shall be satisfied when I awake in Your likeness."
This verse seems to be talking about the future - the time when we see God and are forever satisfied by Him. The previous verse mentions the fact that the men of the world have their portion in this life - and that they are satisfied with children.
Could it be that the root of the satisfaction has to be correct for the satisfaction to be there..