Monday, April 20, 2009

thoughts in grey

It's hard to not be gloomy today. It's a grey and wet Monday morning, Jakob has a runny nose, is overtired and cranky and I am feeling the fatigue and nausea that have plagued me the last month or so. I know that pregnancy is supposed to be a joyful time, but it hasn't been that joyful yet. The thought of another child doesn't seem real yet, and when I do think about it, through my haze of exhaustion, it brings a wee bit of terror to my heart to consider dealing with two children at once!

There I've said it. I've been scared to admit to that fact, feeling guilty everyone around me seems much more thrilled than I am.

Don't get me wrong - Kev and I wanted to have another child. We love being parents and the thought of a larger family is a good one in concept. We are amazed at the miracle of creation that God does inside me. But I'm realizing that even when God answers your prayers it's not always the fade away into the happily ever after. Pregnancy hormones are a crazy roller coaster that cause all sort of a havoc in a previously "normal" woman. Life is sometimes made up of those movie moments, but lately for me it seems more like a replay of times I'd rather forget.

And I think it's high time I stopped putting on a facade of joy only to feel worse inside. I know that God is good and I'm able to rejoice for what He's done both large and small scale in my life. But that doesn't mean that rough days are not rough and that the gap between what I want to feel and what I do feel is any less wide. Maybe it's time to let honesty reign - even if that means you see me filled with grey.

2 comments:

Jess said...

Amen...I couldn't have said it better myself. Hopefully it helps to know you're not in that place alone!

Scatterfingers said...

No shame in feeling less thrilled than people who don't actually have to go through it!

I completely get the whole "not feeling it" thing; there're so many times I know I'm supposed to feel something, but I don't, in church, in marriage, at the cinema... wherever.

-dx