Wednesday, August 29, 2012

the start of a new adventure

I think this post is a part of the processing that I'm doing as we look forward to J starting kindergarten next Thursday. So many of the thoughts going through my mind sound so trite -- "it went so fast!", "where has the time gone?", etc. It's all true though. The time I've spent with Jakob at home - just me and him, and then adding in his two brothers is almost gone. I know that it's not a full-time change - but he's entering into the realm of school - and that is going to impact him and change the dynamics of our days.
It's a bittersweet moment. He is ready for more independence - I don't doubt that.

I'm just not sure I am ready for it.

I want to squeeze and cling tight to these boys and forget about letting them grow up. It's a weird irony of being a parent; we're so excited about the changes and developments our children make, and then when they are changing into people who can do more, we hesitate to let them go. I think I understand my parents a lot more these days.

I'm so tempted to look back with regret at what I could have done different, done better, spent more time on. He is so precious and I want the best for him. Have I spoken the gospel into his life enough? Have I turned from my busyness and talked to him enough? Have I played and read and laughed with him enough? Have we spent enough time snuggling and doing nothing?

I'm glad that kindergarten is not the end of the opportunities to do that in his life. But it is a huge wake up call that the years which can seem so long are so not. That this life is fleeting and we have to be intentional about doing what matters.

I am looking forward to helping him put on his backpack next Thursday, to sharing his anxious excitement about this big step. I am looking forward to taking his picture and giving him a hug. I am looking forward to seeing his face when he gets to his new classroom and his new classmates.

I am not looking forward to saying goodbye and walking out the door without him.

But I am glad that I will be the one picking him up that afternoon to come home to a snack and time spent talking all about it. I am glad that God can use my miserable failures as a mother, my inadequate prayers for him to make something beautiful in his life.

And that is what I keep coming back to, no matter what the future holds, that this boy is not truly mine. We gave him to God when he was born and it is God who will work out His purposes in his life. I pray that God will give me the grace to love, train and raise him for the years I have left with him.

And now excuse me while I go cry. :)


Sarah VM said...

Well, at least you can know that I'm crying right along with you! This is such a hard step to take even though our boys are more than ready for it. This is school. I mean, Owen is still three until Friday! Three! I am so not ready to "let go" but at least it's not every day yet :)

amymom24 said...

All the best, Sarah! He will love it:)